FanFiction.Net
by Mind of a Child
Summary: Supposing Ralph, Jack, and all the other characters of LotF had access to the fanfics written about them?


            Disclaimer: _Lord of the Flies_ does not belong to me. 

            Author's Note: Don't get the wrong idea; I don't have anything against slash. On the contrary, I really enjoy reading it (I'm toying with the idea of writing my own R/J slash fic, actually). I just thought this would be funny. Also, I'm not making fun of any one story in particular. The bolded "story phrases" here are my own creation, and if they are part of an already existing story, I apologize. It's just that, again, I thought this would be funny. Oh, and one more thing – don't ask me where they got the computer (or the office chair, for that matter). I really don't know. I figured in a humor (or at least, attempted humor) fic, accuracy wasn't the top priority ^^;;

            "Lemme see it." 

            "I just got on."

            "Gimme the mouse!"

            "No!"

            "Yes!" Jack Merridew managed to wrestle the mouse from Ralph's grasp. The fair-haired boy yelped as Jack, trying to get a better view of the monitor, sent the office chair, with Ralph in it, careening wildly out of control and ultimately to the floor.

            Standing up, Ralph asked with a scowl, "Why're ya so eager to get on your porn sites all of a sudden?"

            Jack frowned indignantly. "I don't look at porn."

            Ralph grinned. "You do so. Your Favorites list is full of those dirty sites."

            Jack's face was briefly three times the color of his hair. "Whatever," he said through gritted teeth. Then he paused, his eyes hinting mischievousness. "Wait – Ralph, what are you doing' looking' at _my _Favorites list? How didja know those sites were – "

            Now it was Ralph's turn to go crimson, and he interrupted, "Forget it. What're you looking at?"

            "This." Jack pointed. Ralph peered over the redhead's shoulder. Words at the top right corner of the screen read, in entirely lower case letters, _fanfiction.net_.   
            "What's the big deal?"

            "Roger says there's stories on here," Jack explained. 

            Ralph blinked. "About what?"

            "Us."

            "Us?" Ralph asked incredulously.

            Jack nodded. "Yeah. He says they're funny."

            Ralph felt a little queasy. Stories? About them? And Roger thought they were funny? Well, he didn't know what Roger's version of "funny" was, but he didn't want to find out.

            A trifle nervously, Jack clicked the first title he saw. He'd gotten three paragraphs into the story when his jaw nearly hit the keyboard: 

            **…then they kissed.**

Struggling to see what was on the screen, Ralph asked, "Who kissed?"

            Feeling sick to his stomach, Jack replied with a twinge of horror, _"Us."_

            "What?" Ralph was sure he couldn't have heard right. "You mean – me and you?"

            Jack nodded. Ralph felt his face get hot. "You're kidding. That's a dirty joke! What sick thing 

to…" Ralph stopped. Jack wasn't joking.  

            Jack shook his head, feeling his face get hot as he read further into the story. "I'm getting outa this."

            He clicked another title, but this time a box appeared demanding he be seventeen to continue reading.

            "Say no," Ralph pleaded, "click 'cancel'."

            Jack had to intention of listening, however. Just to be a pill, he clicked "OK." 

            That was a mistake. It was even worse than the first story:

            **He felt the other's warmth against his own, and suddenly their bodies were entwined…**

It went on like that. Jack suddenly wanted to projectile vomit. 

            If the unnaturally green color of his face was any indication, Ralph felt the same. "Roger thought this was _funny_?" 

            "Hilarious." Roger seemingly materialized from nowhere. He grinned sheepishly with a kind of glint in his eyes, appearing at once devilish and meek. "You don't find it amusing?"

            "Hardly!" Jack snapped, glaring venomously at his friend. 

            "What kind of perverts _write _this junk?" Ralph muttered, pushing Jack aside to close the browser window.

            Roger stopped him. "Don't you think 'perverts' is just a _little _harsh?" 

            "Yeah," added Simon's voice, "it's not all _that _bad." He, Samneric, Piggy, Maurice, and Robert were gathering now. 

Maurice jumped into the office chair, spun around, fell out, threw himself back in, and fell out again. "It's not even all slash."

"Jus' mos' of it," Piggy said, grinning. 

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Shut up, Fatty. It's _not _funny."

"Have you _all _read this crap?" Ralph asked quietly.

Sam replied, "Well, no, not the – "

            Eric continued, "littluns, that wouldn't be – "

            "proper, now – "

            "would it?"

            Ralph rubbed his temples. "This is ridiculous," he murmured, trying a second time to close the browser window as Simon leaned over to see just what he was reading, and a second time being intercepted by Roger, who just grinned. 

            "Sadist!" Ralph muttered heatedly. 

            "Someone has to be," chuckled Roger. He wasn't chuckling two seconds later, though, when the remark earned him a smack upside the head. 

            Simon's eyebrows went up and he backed away from the screen. "I usually stay away from _that _kind of thing," he near-whispered, but then shrugged, "if that's what you like, though, I'm not going to" –  he searched for the right word – "criticize, or anything."

            Ralph rolled his eyes. "I can't believe people would write this stuff!" he said disgustedly, minimizing the browser window and collapsing into the chair Maurice had just tumbled out of.

            "Ow!" Robert yelped. "Maurice, geddoff! I think I twisted my ankle 'cause of you."  

Maurice sighed and stood up. "Didja read any of the reviews for those things?" he asked.

Robert nodded, rubbing his ankle. "Seems like a lot of those girls got it for batty ol' Simon."

            Simon flushed and ducked his head slightly, but all the same it was evident he was flattered by his female admirers despite his embarrassment.

            The twins piped up again, giggling at each other. "Not to say Jack doesn't – "

            "have his share of fans." 

            "Some fans!" Piggy chortled, shooting a sly glance at Ralph. 

I hope he laughs so hard he had an ass-mar attack, Ralph thought bitterly as he slid further down into the office chair.

            "I said it's not funny," Jack muttered. He punched Piggy in the stomach.

            "Ow!" the other squeaked. Angrily, Jack punched him again. 

            Ralph decided to ignore them. "Since you think this is just so funny, I don't think they write about any of you?" he said sardonically.

            "Us? Nah," said Robert.

            "Not usually as major characters, at least," added Maurice. He paused. "Well, they write about Simon sometimes, poems and things dedicated to him."

            Simon looked at his feet. "Yeah, sometimes, but not a big deal or anything," he shrugged, smiling but at the same time hoping someone would divert the conversation.

            The twins did. "Some of the humor fics are – "

            "rather interesting. You know – "

            "the parodies and such." 

            By this time, Jack and Piggy were lying in a tangled mess on the ground. Roger took one look at them and his mind slipped right into the gutter. "You know," he said thoughtfully with a devilish sort of smirk, "somewhere on here there's a story about _that_, too…"


End file.
